Celeb Rookie: The NOID

And now a brief history of The NOID according to Domino’s Pizza:

The NOID loves to ruin your pizza. He might try to make your pizza cold. He might try to make your pizza late. He might try to make your pizza taste like cardboard. Somehow the NOID will try to make sure your pizza is just not right. That’s why he’s Pizza Enemy #1.

The NOID has been around for a long, long time. He has brothers, sisters and cousins all over the world. People everywhere tell stories about the little creatures who make things go wrong. Gremlins foul up machinery of all kinds. Pixies and goblins haunt the forest. Murphy’s lawyers are everywhere. And you know what they can do.

Long ago, these little folk would cause trouble for anyone, any time. As the world filled up with more and more people doing more and more things, the Small Ones had to specialize so they could keep up. After all, anyone can make a mistake, but to make a complete shambles of anything, you have to know what you’re doing.

The first tribe of troublemakers to specialize was known as the Neandernoids, who decided to become experts in ruining food. They knew that people would always have to eat, so they would have lots of chances to make life miserable for people.

The Neandernoids found many ways they could ruin meals and snacks. They started with simple tricks, like blowing out fires so woolly mammoth cutlets couldn’t be sautéed. Over time, they built up a large bag of tricks. Anyone who has had lumpy gravy, burned toast or weak coffee has been a victim of the Neandernoids.

After a while, some of the Neandernoids went on to specialize even more. Known as the Cro-Magnoids, these pests studied ways to spoil food served by restaurants and institutions.

While people in food service faced the task of obtaining, preparing and serving large amounts of food to the public, the Cro-Magnoids developed their techniques to make eating away from home a disappointment. Long lines, dirty silverware and airline food are Cro-Magnoid ideas.

About 75 years ago, the renegade NOID left the Cro-Magnoid tribe. A rugged individualist, the NOID wanted to work alone. He was ready to ruin one special food all by himself.

Pizza was becoming a popular food at that time. The NOID hated the idea that any food could be so delicious, so perfect, and still be served as a nutritious meal or snack. The NOID’s plan was to make pizza the first in a long list of foods he alone had conquered.

The NOID thought delivered pizza would be especially simple to ruin. He was sure he could take advantage of a pizza served miles away from where it was made. He just knew that delivered pizza would be easy pickin’s.

Early on, the NOID was very successful. Millions of people received pizza that just wasn’t right; it was cold, or soggy, or late. Some people claimed that the box tasted better than the pizza, so the NOID knew that he was winning.

Then came his fall. What the NOID didn’t plan on was a pizza delivery system designed just to make top-quality pizza and deliver it fast. The NOID didn’t plan on Domino’s Pizza.

At Domino’s Pizza, we AVOID THE NOID:

We keep the NOID out and all the quality in. We make pizza precisely to your order with the finest ingredients. And Domino’s Pizza delivers your hot, delicious pizza in less than 30 minutes. That’s all we do, and we do it all the time with our NOID-PROOF delivery system.

The NOID loves to ruin your pizza. He’s tough. He’s persistent. He’s almost everywhere, but he is avoidable:

Just remember that Domino’s Pizza delivers so you can AVOID THE NOID. One call does it all!

Merchandise featuring the NOID is everywhere. Some of it reaches into the hundreds of dollars. Despite making his debut to the world in 1986, it wasn’t until 1988 when the NOID was first featured on a trading card.

To celebrate the Detroit Tigers 20th anniversary of winning the World Series in 1968, Domino’s released a 28-card set in 1988. The set is rather forgettable as it was printed on extremely thin card stock, and contains more errors than you could possibly count. Perhaps this was done on purpose to make you think the NOID was responsible for all of the errors?

Card #27 shows the NOID wielding a baseball bat. Apparently, at the time Tiger Stadium had a Domino’s Pizza in it. This card was meant to be used as a coupon to receive $1.00 off of your order only at the Tiger Stadium Domino’s Pizza. The coupon expired on October 20, 1988.

These sets are readily available, and quite easy to come by. Everything old is new again. Domino’s recently brought back the NOID in a commercial.